Wednesday, 10 February 2010

Things are changing

Ok a few major things need to be said.

I am changing. I am not sure if I am finally growing up - OMG I hope not! Or if the hormones I am taking have started to take effect and my, well lets call them tastes have started to change also.

I really want to chat with someone other than my very un-helpful GP. My girlfriends don't seem to understand and the only tgirls I know either have not reached my stage or are going through the same feelings.

So far what I can understand is that I am far more sensitive to anything. I seem to cry at everything. I had a terrible time moving and my new friends-ish have all pretty much moved on as I am very much not one of them anymore.

Am I growing up.

I still love fashion and clothes but it is less about the femm side of things and more about the fahion. I get far more excited by reading erotica rather than looking at it and I seem to enjoy male images rather than female

as an example several months ago these images would have excited me. I would imagine being the girl wearing the clothes

Like most transvestites I wanted nothing more than to create the illusion of a sexy girl and enjoy dressing and being femm.

Then as I grew in confidence, experience and made friends online I started to think of myself as a girl but only in my most private of moments and online hidden away. My wardrobe grew and I started to think about being femm and pleasing others. I found it impossible to admit I wanted to tease guys so I would imagine myself posing with motorbikes and cars. Seems ludicrous now but it seemed natural back then.

Then came the first dressing sessions with other genetic girls this made me feel very femm and my needs changed again I wanted sooo much to be all women to feel what a women would feel I wanted to see myself as a bride and most of all experiencing a real female orgasm. Images like these started to take over.

I would spend hours trying to re-create the expressions a women would make when orgasming. I never thought about who or why she was in a state of ecstasy. I think looking back I skimmed over this as it would mean allowing men to enter my fantasies and I was not ready to admit that fact.

Wedding gowns and anything ultra femm pretty much occupied my thoughts and fantasies not the getting married element rather the dressing up and hen night and the girlie time and closeness.

I was sooo desperate to be accepted by women and be in a group of girls

Then the first real big change I started to take hormones and spent more and more time dressed. I started to form relationships with women and men as Tabby.

At first it was all about a cock in my mouth and proving in some guy type way how girlie I was I would spend hours fixating on images of girls with huge cocks in their mouths.

I would imagine myself as a hot girl. Men wanting me and women being envious. I would act like a slut and tease men. At this stage I was not considering myself a submissive, rather I was a tease, a slut and something men would prize.

All the images I found erotic and sexual were all images a man would find a slowly realised that I was just extending my maleness into my female role. I loved images of girls with fat cocks and this made me feel femm but not sexually. An odd feeling I know. I carried on like this for about 6 mths then the next major change began.

I started to enjoy feeling submissive to feel thankful for a a man to feel less equal to need to please a man. I began to enjoy images and feelings of submissiveness and total humiliation.
Images like this would make me so excited not because of the act of sucking a mans cock, but rather the feeling and the look of the girl. I think this was my first real female feeling. The pleasure I find in letting someone take control to penetrate me to use me I felt so women like so real. I experimented a lot in this phase I really met a lot of people.

I spent time as a slave maid for a couple, I even spent a week as a live in maid for a forty something city banker in his very amazing apartment in central London.

He spent a small fortune buying me clothes and sexy undies. It was amazing.

More hormones, tantrums, pain, arguments with my sister and more changes in my life. Friends leaving, fake friends. My need to be accepted, my need for men to want me led me to bad dates, even worse fucks again and again I changed.

I met a real friend or so I thought - she led me down the bondage route she became my mistress and I her total sub her pet in many ways. I adored these images and spent hours, days dreaming of her control and her access to me.

She would make me tell her how I felt about images like this and push me into repeating them

She made me sleep with several guys for cash and I enjoyed it I felt amazing I loved the feeling of whoring myself. I spent several days hoping into one bed and then another while dressed as a secretary and humiliated myself. I did everything those men told me to do for my mistress

They pissed on me and used me in ways no women should be used. To my ever lasting shame I loved every minute.

She knew she had me and she pushed my obedience each and every day she tested me and I adored her for it.

At first I loved each and every challenge the more sissy fag the challenge the more I adored the humiliation, the more I pushed myself.

Hormones raging, strange and wonderful people whispering all sorts of erotica at me, Bi women telling me to experiment with black guys, lesbian women, straight black women all sorts of advice. All the while my mistress (notice the lower case m this is my way of showing she is no longer in charge, in control) gently pushing me to stretch my limits.

To my shame I no longer needed her to do this I seemed to be drawn to the more extreme acts and if they felt safe I would find ways of making them more extreme.

I spent several weeks being what can only be described as a white cum slut. I was introduced to a group of black men and women. My mistress was also used by the group. There was an interesting hierarchy to the group. The guys were most definitely in charge and 'D' was the alpha male without exception. The black women were much worse to my mistress and I was consider the bottom of the group.

I was made to serve them all and on many occasions my mistress was being fucked by one of the guys and one of the women would force me to lick her out once the guy had finished.

I felt so alive, I felt like a real women I imagined other women being envious of me and this in turn made me happy and excited.

I adored the fact that I was living these images

A slap in the face came next. My sister was horrified and she spent days screaming at me, shouting at me, begging me to leave this women my mistress.

I really do not know what changed but I started to see flaws in her. Maybe it was the fact she was a submissive to the guys. How could she get fucked by the same cock that was fucking me. She was supposed to be better than me - untouchable, but I am not sure what changed.

More hormones, spending time chatting with my sister like real women, my new GP who was female cared much more and helped me through some painful and humiliating times.

Let me tell you lying on the medical bed in her office with my skirt up around my waist and my knickers down by my knees while my GP tells me off about the damage I am doing to my....
well I like to refer to it as my pussy but we all know what she is telling me off about.

Well several tellings off from my GP and Sister, more hormones and meeting an amazing guy have put me back on target.

Where am I in my womanly journey - good question. I no longer feel the need to be a pet or a thing that is either worshipped or abused.

Well I fancy the pants of guys that look like this! But so does pretty much every other women.

This image turns me. Sexy guys are amazing.

What does this mean I ask that because that is normal as a women but I also fancy her

does this mean I am a bi women or still a mixed up Tgirl?

Help please....


  1. You sound like some of the T-Girls and those that have transitioned that I have talked to. I am a bit scared that you were so strongly pulled into extreme and dangerous sounding situations. I am not on hormones and I have had feelings like you describe. The desire for cocks and the slow arousal by certain types of guys. I know I am feeling many bi tendencies. Please be safe sweetie. I am a bit jealous that you are on hormones. I am sending you good thoughts.


  2. Wow thank you. I am soooo trying not to cry at the moment. OMG it is sooo nice to hear from another girl and hear that I am not alone.

    I would love to chat my email is tabbykittenjones(AT)

    Love and hugs Tabby

  3. sometimes I'm not sure if your telling a real story, like your telling the first person story of a made-up character. Now I realize you really are talking about you. I've never been on hormones, but from every story I read, it's usually mind fucking and it makes your brain even more confused, but hopefully in the end things will make more sense as you ease into your new role. It's always difficult adjusting to new feelings after you've had the old ones your whole life.

  4. Thanks so much for your latest post.
    I have been a reader for some time and I have loved the raunchier side of your musings.
    I am what I think of as an “act out”.
    I dress from time to time, completely alone, sometime using my wife’s clothes and sometimes a mix of hers and things I buy that excite me. I then my items to the op shop before they can be discovered.
    If she knew she would leave. I have no doubt.
    I am totally at a loss to understand my sexuality. I am a well built guy. I work out. I am in middle life but look to be early thirties. I am a master at kung fu and I have trained myself in the ways of the warrior for many years.
    And yet, I love to be dressed in the fine silks and satins of a beautiful woman.
    I am hetero, as far as I can tell. I do not get aroused by gay porn and I do not look for it on the web.
    Could I be with a man? I have upon occasion tried to fantasise, when dressed, that I am dressed for one of my friends. It is a total bust. I can’t keep the fantasy narrative straight in my head.
    Sex with my wife, dressed, I can get off to that in my head all the time but I know she would just freak out.
    She would be afraid. And for me that is never erotic.
    I really appreciate your honesty in this post. Until now, I was sure you were just really good at crafting your desires into a story, but you have dropped your screen here, buddy, and I love you for it.
    Nice one.
    Good luck on your journey.
    I hope you arrive.

  5. Tabby, I read this a couple days ago when you first posted it. I didn't know what to say then or now.

    I had no idea: 1) you were struggling; 2) you were living such an extreme. Being nothing but a dabbler, I can offer nothing, but wish you the best.

    Now if it's not out of keeping, this post is incredible. You've once again shared some terrific photos, but most of all, honesty is such a turn on. . . .

  6. Whether the story is entirely real or not, it's the kind of learning every t-girl has to go through - a crash course in female sexuality that we missed by being male for part of our development.

    We come into our journey with our own fantasies - maybe of being female, maybe of being a "male lesbian." But as we face ourselves we discover that we're mostly women who - like all other women - love cock. We crave cock. We want, need to be fucked. Hard.

    Then we discover that while we're busy living out OUR fantasies, or partners aren't necessarily on the same trip. Predictable, yes. Shocking nonetheless when it slaps you in the face.

    I think it's a victory when we don't pick up STDs...or worse.

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