Part 3 - Things are a changing - Fantasies and lots to think on

I have a lot to tell you all Friday was scary! Very scary.

I turned up at the local CAB offices. Yes dressing is very important to me but I was keen not to look like an office slut but still look a little fem. See previous post for details of my outfit

http://beingfemm.blogspot.com/2010/02/part-2-things-are-changing.html

I arrived explained who I was. They had obviously told everyone not to stare and to treat me with the upmost 'care' meaning do nothing to compromise yourself and or the organisation.

I felt so alone. Have you ever told someone not to look - the first thing they do is stare!

I felt so ashamed.

My first hour was not going well. I kept my head down and got on with my work. I filed paper, made tea I really tried to be helpful. By lunch time I was sitting in the loo in tears. I had redone my makeup several times that day as all I seem to do was cry.

I left at around 4.45pm. I am not going back.

I got home changed and went to bed I just wanted to hide from the world.

My phone rang around 8ish and I sleepily got out of bed and answered the phone. It was my tgirl friend the Escort tgirl.

We chatted I cried she told me she would come round for a chat.

I pulled myself together, had a shower and then tried to sort out my thoughts. I am not sure how long time passed but the door bell rang.

The sound pulled me out of my trance and I let in my friend (lets call her B for now) We chatted a little and then settled down to watch our fave feeling sad film with a bottle of wine and a tub of Haagen Dazs.

We watched the film in relative silence (Never Been Kissed). The credits rolled and I opened another bottle of wine and just burst into tears.

B hugged me and held onto me as I just sobbed.

B then started to cry as she explained her feelings and situation. She told me she had a wonderful boyfriend all was well and she even stopped escorting en-rolled on a photography course and had a wonderful year. But he started to act up was upset that she wanted to have a full operation and shortly after told her to leave.

B continued to tell me she came back to London and tried to make a living but ended up escorting. She made 2 adult films but did not like it and went back to escorting.

She burst into tears and I now held her she told me about the straight gay guys - guys that just can not admit they are gay, she continued to explain that they are mostly bi but they just do not want to admit it to themselves. She told me how these guys would book her and then fuck her while hating her and everything she represented.

She continued to tell me that girls like us have a few choices open.

She made it clear. If you are passable then you end up as an escort / adult films. If you are not passable you end up being miserable and unable to deal with your needs perhaps some go straight and are unhappy others go gay.

But one thing remains true we are considered by the majority as freaks and those that like us do so for sexual reasons.

The only true friend of a tgirl is other tgirls.

We fell asleep on the sofa and woke late on Saturday morning. We chatted my eyes were sore from crying all night. I washed and dressed and sat down with B for coffee and toast and we chatted some more. I could not let her get away with her statements they were too negative too horrid too unpalatable.

I felt a little stronger and wanted to stand up for the possibility of happiness.

She told me that a tgirls only hope at happiness is finding a dom couple or a mistress to serve!

I changed the subject and shortly after B had to go. Her first appointment was a couple hours away and she needed to get back.

B you know I adore you and I know you read my blog. I did not have the strength to fight your opinions Friday night or Saturday morning. I spent all day sleeping on Sunday and I have come to this conclusion.

You are wrong!

Yes it is hard and I am going to find some positives and negatives in my journey. I have finally decided who and what I am and want to be:

Please be gentle with me world this is my most intimate and secret thoughts...

I am a Shemale / Tgirl and I love the idea of exploring both genders. Ok I am mostly female now but I love the exploration and possibilities

I want to be a women not now but soon. I want to explore my possibilities and maybe in the next year or so have the final operation.

I am bi tgirl and I think I will be a bi women. I adore dom men and women. I love fat strong cocks and slim pert women.

Will this change yes I am certain. The more women I become the more I prefer men.

I am not sure where I sit with regards to fetishes I think I want to explore many and leave many hidden from me. I do not enjoy the idea of most fetishes and I think I am very vanilla when it comes to dirty, watersport, too much pain etc fetishes.

I think I would have to admit to:

Loving being fucked by black guys that abuse me about my sissy, faggy nature. I think as a women I would enjoy being fucked by large powerful men of any colour but somehow the humiliation of being a sissy and being abused by a black guy turns me on.

Is that racist? Is that wrong? You know what I do not care! I am allowed my fetish and can I say several well hung black guys later I have never had a complaint!

Pony girls, Pet girls and slaves. I love the idea of being a sub. I adore it. It makes me wet thinking about it. Would I love it as a women yes I think so. Why do I love it so much as a tgirl. The humiliation I think.

Dressing. Yes very vanilla boring but ever so important. I never understood why women do not like being femm, dressing up for their man, their lover? It seems sooo sexual and sensual so right to do so. I think I would dress more and be even more femm as a full women.

Finally I think my humiliation is complete as I right this I am turned on admitting this telling you all about my inner feelings. I want to share with you all my true feelings my true nature.

I want you all to know who Tabby is and is going to be. Darling B you are sooo right in many ways and sooo wrong in many others...

Who is Tabby what does she like and what does she want to be:

One element that has remained constant and was something that I had as a man that has stayed with me as a tgirl and I hope as a women, is the need to excel the need to push to do better, be better. I have been offered several opportunities from several blogs. But I think I will start my own business once I am through with this transition.

I see myself as a successful business women, sexy, busy, well dressed, well read and most of all fully and truly female.

I want to be desired, wealthy and in control in life but a sub whore in bed.

I want to be used by powerful well built men with cocks like clubs. Real men. Men that almost howl like wolves. Men that cum and keep cumming.

I want to offer myself to a master or mistress

I want beautiful friends

I want to explore my passions, needs and limits

I want to be sexy, beautiful and famous. I want to have friends that are stunning but not as sexy as me. I want to enjoy their friendship and enjoy going out and being girly with them

I want to dress and explore fashion

I want to explore the need to dominate other tgirls

I want a PA on her knees her little cockette stiff and dripping with pre-cum as I use her and humiliate her but her love for me is total.

I want a maid

I want an older master to make me and my maid his.

I want to shock others and feel their shock and distaste and scream at them, shout at their jealousy their secret need to be me pressed on the glass while a stud fucks me.

I want to be fucked by a man's huge cock. I want to walk funny for a week and smile at each step and remember the fat piece of meat between my legs and how it pounded into me.

I want a stallion / stag of a man

I want to scream out in ecstasy and pain as a man fills me totally

I want to dominate and take a man also

I want to have a group of girls that do my bidding and have special nights during the week where we get together

I want to be something other than man or women but not for ever

I want to be so sexual in everything I do. I want to wear tight wet look leather and ride a fast bike and feel it throb between my legs.