Part 3 - Things are a changing - Fantasies and lots to think on

I have a lot to tell you all Friday was scary! Very scary.

I turned up at the local CAB offices. Yes dressing is very important to me but I was keen not to look like an office slut but still look a little fem. See previous post for details of my outfit

http://beingfemm.blogspot.com/2010/02/part-2-things-are-changing.html

I arrived explained who I was. They had obviously told everyone not to stare and to treat me with the upmost 'care' meaning do nothing to compromise yourself and or the organisation.

I felt so alone. Have you ever told someone not to look - the first thing they do is stare!

I felt so ashamed.

My first hour was not going well. I kept my head down and got on with my work. I filed paper, made tea I really tried to be helpful. By lunch time I was sitting in the loo in tears. I had redone my makeup several times that day as all I seem to do was cry.

I left at around 4.45pm. I am not going back.

I got home changed and went to bed I just wanted to hide from the world.

My phone rang around 8ish and I sleepily got out of bed and answered the phone. It was my tgirl friend the Escort tgirl.

We chatted I cried she told me she would come round for a chat.

I pulled myself together, had a shower and then tried to sort out my thoughts. I am not sure how long time passed but the door bell rang.

The sound pulled me out of my trance and I let in my friend (lets call her B for now) We chatted a little and then settled down to watch our fave feeling sad film with a bottle of wine and a tub of Haagen Dazs.

We watched the film in relative silence (Never Been Kissed). The credits rolled and I opened another bottle of wine and just burst into tears.

B hugged me and held onto me as I just sobbed.

B then started to cry as she explained her feelings and situation. She told me she had a wonderful boyfriend all was well and she even stopped escorting en-rolled on a photography course and had a wonderful year. But he started to act up was upset that she wanted to have a full operation and shortly after told her to leave.

B continued to tell me she came back to London and tried to make a living but ended up escorting. She made 2 adult films but did not like it and went back to escorting.

She burst into tears and I now held her she told me about the straight gay guys - guys that just can not admit they are gay, she continued to explain that they are mostly bi but they just do not want to admit it to themselves. She told me how these guys would book her and then fuck her while hating her and everything she represented.

She continued to tell me that girls like us have a few choices open.

She made it clear. If you are passable then you end up as an escort / adult films. If you are not passable you end up being miserable and unable to deal with your needs perhaps some go straight and are unhappy others go gay.

But one thing remains true we are considered by the majority as freaks and those that like us do so for sexual reasons.

The only true friend of a tgirl is other tgirls.

We fell asleep on the sofa and woke late on Saturday morning. We chatted my eyes were sore from crying all night. I washed and dressed and sat down with B for coffee and toast and we chatted some more. I could not let her get away with her statements they were too negative too horrid too unpalatable.

I felt a little stronger and wanted to stand up for the possibility of happiness.

She told me that a tgirls only hope at happiness is finding a dom couple or a mistress to serve!

I changed the subject and shortly after B had to go. Her first appointment was a couple hours away and she needed to get back.

B you know I adore you and I know you read my blog. I did not have the strength to fight your opinions Friday night or Saturday morning. I spent all day sleeping on Sunday and I have come to this conclusion.

You are wrong!

Yes it is hard and I am going to find some positives and negatives in my journey. I have finally decided who and what I am and want to be:

Please be gentle with me world this is my most intimate and secret thoughts...

I am a Shemale / Tgirl and I love the idea of exploring both genders. Ok I am mostly female now but I love the exploration and possibilities

I want to be a women not now but soon. I want to explore my possibilities and maybe in the next year or so have the final operation.

I am bi tgirl and I think I will be a bi women. I adore dom men and women. I love fat strong cocks and slim pert women.

Will this change yes I am certain. The more women I become the more I prefer men.

I am not sure where I sit with regards to fetishes I think I want to explore many and leave many hidden from me. I do not enjoy the idea of most fetishes and I think I am very vanilla when it comes to dirty, watersport, too much pain etc fetishes.

I think I would have to admit to:

Loving being fucked by black guys that abuse me about my sissy, faggy nature. I think as a women I would enjoy being fucked by large powerful men of any colour but somehow the humiliation of being a sissy and being abused by a black guy turns me on.

Is that racist? Is that wrong? You know what I do not care! I am allowed my fetish and can I say several well hung black guys later I have never had a complaint!

Pony girls, Pet girls and slaves. I love the idea of being a sub. I adore it. It makes me wet thinking about it. Would I love it as a women yes I think so. Why do I love it so much as a tgirl. The humiliation I think.

Dressing. Yes very vanilla boring but ever so important. I never understood why women do not like being femm, dressing up for their man, their lover? It seems sooo sexual and sensual so right to do so. I think I would dress more and be even more femm as a full women.

Finally I think my humiliation is complete as I right this I am turned on admitting this telling you all about my inner feelings. I want to share with you all my true feelings my true nature.

I want you all to know who Tabby is and is going to be. Darling B you are sooo right in many ways and sooo wrong in many others...

Who is Tabby what does she like and what does she want to be:

One element that has remained constant and was something that I had as a man that has stayed with me as a tgirl and I hope as a women, is the need to excel the need to push to do better, be better. I have been offered several opportunities from several blogs. But I think I will start my own business once I am through with this transition.

I see myself as a successful business women, sexy, busy, well dressed, well read and most of all fully and truly female.

I want to be desired, wealthy and in control in life but a sub whore in bed.

I want to be used by powerful well built men with cocks like clubs. Real men. Men that almost howl like wolves. Men that cum and keep cumming.

I want to offer myself to a master or mistress

I want beautiful friends

I want to explore my passions, needs and limits

I want to be sexy, beautiful and famous. I want to have friends that are stunning but not as sexy as me. I want to enjoy their friendship and enjoy going out and being girly with them

I want to dress and explore fashion

I want to explore the need to dominate other tgirls

I want a PA on her knees her little cockette stiff and dripping with pre-cum as I use her and humiliate her but her love for me is total.

I want a maid

I want an older master to make me and my maid his.

I want to shock others and feel their shock and distaste and scream at them, shout at their jealousy their secret need to be me pressed on the glass while a stud fucks me.

I want to be fucked by a man's huge cock. I want to walk funny for a week and smile at each step and remember the fat piece of meat between my legs and how it pounded into me.

I want a stallion / stag of a man

I want to scream out in ecstasy and pain as a man fills me totally

I want to dominate and take a man also

I want to have a group of girls that do my bidding and have special nights during the week where we get together

I want to be something other than man or women but not for ever

I want to be so sexual in everything I do. I want to wear tight wet look leather and ride a fast bike and feel it throb between my legs.

Part 2 - Things are changing

Firstly I am in tears and for a change they are happy tears.

I am bewildered, confused but mostly touched by your comments on this post

http://beingfemm.blogspot.com/2010/02/things-are-changing.html

I find myself asking why are these people being kind, honest and helpful. Most do not understand and never will understand the issues, the pain and the sheer madness I and girls like me experience.

I was soo touched by the support that I felt compelled to do something, anything worthwhile anything to return the support the care you have shown me.

I want to share this with you all. Who I consider my friends.

I posted the original post Last Wed I think. I think it was the 10th of Feb. I was very much ready to give in very much unsure of everything. I know I am lucky too look the way I do and I do understand most tgirls do not have the genetic luck that I do. So I should be reveling in my femininity, I should be exploring everything all tastes, textures and passions.

Well ladies that is the issue what am I exploring, what are my starting points, end points and how do I know I am not going mad.

I was told by a very successful tgirl friend I have 3 choices - she said any tgirl that looks semi passable was either an escort, or ends up taking part in adult films, or lastly finds the best looking rich guy I can and hope that time is kind to me so that he stays for as long as possible.

I can not believe that those are my only options why go through the pain and suffering and abuse for those options? Why?

But my friend has much more experience and she is further along her journey.

I cry a lot at the moment and that seems to be the best thing that I do. That and dressing. Giggle.

I called my GP on Thursday morning and arranged an emergency appointment and just burst into tears....

Some very kind words, some very stern words and then a hot cup of tea and I felt a little better. I went home and spoke to my sister had a little read and chatted to a friend and I felt 100 times better. That evening I decided to do something for someone. I was in my mind going to prove my tgirl friend wrong - I can not mention her as she has a very active site and a very active escort.

I was not sure what to do - how do I prove her wrong....

I finally had a little brain wave. I called my local CAB (citizen advise bureau) I remembered a story in the local paper asking for volunteers to help with back room paper work.

I called and explained that I wanted to help and that I was transgendered. I think they were a little taken aback but they agreed to meet with me on Friday 19th.

As you can imagine I spent several hours considering what to wear. Something business like and serious but a little flirty too.

I spent hours going through my wardrobe only to decide that I had nothing of the right tone to wear. I thought long and hard about the message and how these people would feel about me so I looked through the M&S site and settled on the following outfit

From M&S Autograph range. weekend Pencil Skirt

The open kneck 3/4 sleeve blouse

Ultimate Magic Secret Support - Firm

40 denier holdups

And from their autograph range these heels in petrol

Part 3 to follow.....

Things are changing

Ok a few major things need to be said.

I am changing. I am not sure if I am finally growing up - OMG I hope not! Or if the hormones I am taking have started to take effect and my, well lets call them tastes have started to change also.

I really want to chat with someone other than my very un-helpful GP. My girlfriends don't seem to understand and the only tgirls I know either have not reached my stage or are going through the same feelings.

So far what I can understand is that I am far more sensitive to anything. I seem to cry at everything. I had a terrible time moving and my new friends-ish have all pretty much moved on as I am very much not one of them anymore.

Am I growing up.

I still love fashion and clothes but it is less about the femm side of things and more about the fahion. I get far more excited by reading erotica rather than looking at it and I seem to enjoy male images rather than female

as an example several months ago these images would have excited me. I would imagine being the girl wearing the clothes

Like most transvestites I wanted nothing more than to create the illusion of a sexy girl and enjoy dressing and being femm.

Then as I grew in confidence, experience and made friends online I started to think of myself as a girl but only in my most private of moments and online hidden away. My wardrobe grew and I started to think about being femm and pleasing others. I found it impossible to admit I wanted to tease guys so I would imagine myself posing with motorbikes and cars. Seems ludicrous now but it seemed natural back then.

Then came the first dressing sessions with other genetic girls this made me feel very femm and my needs changed again I wanted sooo much to be all women to feel what a women would feel I wanted to see myself as a bride and most of all experiencing a real female orgasm. Images like these started to take over.

I would spend hours trying to re-create the expressions a women would make when orgasming. I never thought about who or why she was in a state of ecstasy. I think looking back I skimmed over this as it would mean allowing men to enter my fantasies and I was not ready to admit that fact.

Wedding gowns and anything ultra femm pretty much occupied my thoughts and fantasies not the getting married element rather the dressing up and hen night and the girlie time and closeness.

I was sooo desperate to be accepted by women and be in a group of girls

Then the first real big change I started to take hormones and spent more and more time dressed. I started to form relationships with women and men as Tabby.

At first it was all about a cock in my mouth and proving in some guy type way how girlie I was I would spend hours fixating on images of girls with huge cocks in their mouths.

I would imagine myself as a hot girl. Men wanting me and women being envious. I would act like a slut and tease men. At this stage I was not considering myself a submissive, rather I was a tease, a slut and something men would prize.

All the images I found erotic and sexual were all images a man would find a slowly realised that I was just extending my maleness into my female role. I loved images of girls with fat cocks and this made me feel femm but not sexually. An odd feeling I know. I carried on like this for about 6 mths then the next major change began.

I started to enjoy feeling submissive to feel thankful for a a man to feel less equal to need to please a man. I began to enjoy images and feelings of submissiveness and total humiliation.

Images like this would make me so excited not because of the act of sucking a mans cock, but rather the feeling and the look of the girl. I think this was my first real female feeling. The pleasure I find in letting someone take control to penetrate me to use me I felt so women like so real. I experimented a lot in this phase I really met a lot of people.

I spent time as a slave maid for a couple, I even spent a week as a live in maid for a forty something city banker in his very amazing apartment in central London.

He spent a small fortune buying me clothes and sexy undies. It was amazing.

More hormones, tantrums, pain, arguments with my sister and more changes in my life. Friends leaving, fake friends. My need to be accepted, my need for men to want me led me to bad dates, even worse fucks again and again I changed.

I met a real friend or so I thought - she led me down the bondage route she became my mistress and I her total sub her pet in many ways. I adored these images and spent hours, days dreaming of her control and her access to me.

She would make me tell her how I felt about images like this and push me into repeating them

She made me sleep with several guys for cash and I enjoyed it I felt amazing I loved the feeling of whoring myself. I spent several days hoping into one bed and then another while dressed as a secretary and humiliated myself. I did everything those men told me to do for my mistress

They pissed on me and used me in ways no women should be used. To my ever lasting shame I loved every minute.

She knew she had me and she pushed my obedience each and every day she tested me and I adored her for it.

At first I loved each and every challenge the more sissy fag the challenge the more I adored the humiliation, the more I pushed myself.

Hormones raging, strange and wonderful people whispering all sorts of erotica at me, Bi women telling me to experiment with black guys, lesbian women, straight black women all sorts of advice. All the while my mistress (notice the lower case m this is my way of showing she is no longer in charge, in control) gently pushing me to stretch my limits.

To my shame I no longer needed her to do this I seemed to be drawn to the more extreme acts and if they felt safe I would find ways of making them more extreme.

I spent several weeks being what can only be described as a white cum slut. I was introduced to a group of black men and women. My mistress was also used by the group. There was an interesting hierarchy to the group. The guys were most definitely in charge and 'D' was the alpha male without exception. The black women were much worse to my mistress and I was consider the bottom of the group.

I was made to serve them all and on many occasions my mistress was being fucked by one of the guys and one of the women would force me to lick her out once the guy had finished.

I felt so alive, I felt like a real women I imagined other women being envious of me and this in turn made me happy and excited.

I adored the fact that I was living these images

A slap in the face came next. My sister was horrified and she spent days screaming at me, shouting at me, begging me to leave this women my mistress.

I really do not know what changed but I started to see flaws in her. Maybe it was the fact she was a submissive to the guys. How could she get fucked by the same cock that was fucking me. She was supposed to be better than me - untouchable, but I am not sure what changed.

More hormones, spending time chatting with my sister like real women, my new GP who was female cared much more and helped me through some painful and humiliating times.

Let me tell you lying on the medical bed in her office with my skirt up around my waist and my knickers down by my knees while my GP tells me off about the damage I am doing to my....

well I like to refer to it as my pussy but we all know what she is telling me off about.

Well several tellings off from my GP and Sister, more hormones and meeting an amazing guy have put me back on target.

Where am I in my womanly journey - good question. I no longer feel the need to be a pet or a thing that is either worshipped or abused.

Well I fancy the pants of guys that look like this! But so does pretty much every other women.

This image turns me. Sexy guys are amazing.

What does this mean I ask that because that is normal as a women but I also fancy her

does this mean I am a bi women or still a mixed up Tgirl?

Help please....

Muscular Women V Muscular Men - who is sexier

Who is sexier muscular women or men with the trans generation does it mean that women can be femm and be muscular? Does muscular men mean a gay guy? Most guys with washboards I have met have been gay and most girls with washboards have been straight - Is there a reason? 

Thoughts please....